“Kankuro Upgrades”
If Chobits mixed with Naruto

Enter stage L/R a personocom. She walks across less then half way stage holding Manual.

Personocom: Auto function, shutting down.

Personocom kneels on ground, hugging manual to chest. Pause. Enter Kankuro from opposite stage L/R. Ranting, walking in a way so he doesn’t see personocom.

Kankuro: I’m not a baby! I put my sweat blood and tears into those puppets! My wonderful puppets, she didn’t have to destroy them, really, I love my puppets! It’s going to take forever to fix them.

Notices kneeling figure surprised.

Kankuro: HELLO.

Looks at her face, pokes her forehead with no response.

Kankuro: You okay?

Feels for pulse, fear.

Kankuro: OH CRAP dead body I just found a dead body.. a very cute dead body… But still a DEAD BODY what the… Hey…

Sees manual, tries to pull it from her chest, and struggles mightily until it finally slips from her grasp. Arms go limp on personocom. Kankuro reads the front page out loud.

Kankuro: Personocom new users manual. Hmm…. She might be a trap… She could explode! Or… shoot out needles! Or… set me on fire! Or, she might just be dead…

Has been going into different fighting stances at every possibility. Flips open to next page, still balancing on one foot.

Kankuro: Welcome to your new personocom. If you are just learning about what a personocom is, please press the “auto play” button on right ear. Okay.

Kankuro uses air parenthesis on auto play, then puts manual on floor. Starts to part hair around right ear, finds no real ear, and shrugs pinching personocom cone ears. Personocom wakes up moving very mechanically, waving arms around as if in a commercial. Kankuro dives for cover

Personocom: Hello customer! I am the newest version of Personocom, utilizing the newest technological breakthroughs I learn automatically via your actions! I come preprogrammed with basic verbal cues and then learn everything you want me to know via basic human learning techniques! Or, you may buy the software from your nearest personocom vender! Please enjoy your newest personocom purchase! Shutting down.

Head falls to chest, arms fall to sides. Kankuro uncurls from fetal position.

Kankuro: Okay, this is like a puppet without chakra strings essentially… IF I took it, I mean, it wouldn’t be stealing because, I mean, it is in the middle of a desert like it was thrown away. It is really weird though, and, I don’t need this, I mean, come on, I am the Kankuro, chakra string controlled puppet master!

Drops manual next to personocom. Starts to walk back from where he came, turns and slides back to the manual, picking it up and flips through pages, making various exclamations.

Kankuro: And she’s made out of Titanium alloy, Temari can’t cut her or stab her! She’s practically… In…des…truc…tible... Oh, that’s it I’m keeping her!

Looks through pages, points at a line reads out loud.

Kankuro: To turn on: Hold onto manual for visual recognition. Flip switch on, while personocom first starts up state the name you wish to call your personocom. Your personocom will only respond to it’s name you give to it at this time. Okay… On switch on switch… Where the hell is it’s on switch?!

Flips through manual, fold out page like playboy pin up, looks confused, flips upside down, grins happily and points at page, then looks very disgusted.

Kankuro: Oh this has to be a joke. JARAIYA?! Where is that perverted hermit this has to be his handy work… Unless…

Kneels next to personocom, starts to bring hand to the hem of her skirt, pulls back.

Kankuro: If someone sees me doing this… I know, I’ll just carry her back to the village, hide her in my room, and figure out how to start her there!

Kankuro tries to lift from under her arms, struggles, falls back with personocom on top of him. He starts to freak out, tries to reach for her on switch, pulls hand back, reaches again, pulls back.

Kankuro: What would Temari think if she saw me like this. Wait… Ha, I’m such a baka…

Kankuro makes hand movements as if he has wrapped chakra string around on switch, pulls upwards, personocom starts up animatedly, Kankuro panics and curls up into the fetal position while personocom’s start up. She stands and steps on his leg. He let’s out a cry.

Personocom: Boot menu, name please, syntax error, confirmation please.

She steps on him again. He cries out in much the same way.

Personocom: Name confirmed. Start up initiated, audio on, visual on, linguistics on, full body motion correct, basic vocabulary uploaded. Greetings master!

Kankuro stops screaming, looks around embarrassingly, stands up brushing himself off.

Kankuro: You, uh, talking to me?

Personocom: You are holding my manual, you are master. Greetings master!

Kankuro looks around a little, then gets a giddy smile and puffs out his chest.

Kankuro: So, I’m your master huh? Well, uh, can you, attack people?

Personocom looks confused, eyes go back and forth.

Personocom: Syntax error, please reword question.

Kankuro: Can you… Defend me?

Personocom’s eyes go back and forth.

Personocom: Correct, defense of master is preprogrammed.

Kankuro does little victory dance, excited.

Kankuro: Show me!

Personocom: On whom shall I show it on?

Kankuro looks around, shrugs

Kankuro: I guess on me… You know, the basics…

Personocom rests a hand on his shoulder.

Personocom: Basic attack one.

Personocom knee’s Kankuro in the groin. Kankuro falls to the ground.

Personocom: Basic attack two.

Personocom kicks Kankuro in the side popping him up a bit.

Personocom: Basic attack three.

Kankuro: NO! No basic attack three!

Personocom: How may I help you master?

Kankuro writhes on ground in pain, looking up at her.

Kankuro: Let’s just go home where I can figure out more in a safer environment.

Personocom: Syntax error, home? Navigation system unpopulated, environment, desert, precipitation, zero, humidity at zero percent…

Kankuro: No, no I mean, like, where you can show me what you can do in such a way that I don’t get hurt.

Personocom: Understood. Home?

Personocom picks up Kankuro to his feet, practically throwing him into the air. This makes Kankuro happy again.

Kankuro: Wow you are so strong! You’ll pound Temari into the dirt!

Personocom: Syntax error. Pounding Temari does not compute. Syntax error. Home?

Kankuro: Don’t you worry, I’ll explain everything later. Oh, by the way, what is your name?

Personocom: My name is Ai!

Kankuro: Ai? Love! Oh come on I don’t want to be going around yelling Ai Gaara might try to hug me!

Personocom: You already have during my initial start up phase, master.

Kankuro: Let’s just keep all this between you and me…

Personocom: Syntax error…

Kankuro: DON’T TELL ANYONE!!!

They start to walk away when Ai starts to make glitchy noises. Kankuro stands in front of her concerned, hands up.

Personocom: Auto function. Shut down.

Falls into Kankuro’s arms as he let’s out a sound of frustration.

Kankuro: TEMARI?!

Exit stage L/R that Kankuro entered on